Thanks for following me everyone, I really do write all this for you.

I hope you’ve been enjoying the extremely polite and tasteful historical tidbits I’ve been presenting you.

Also, thanks thebestbutt, for bringing the follow count up to an even number.

So someone said something about the Sirens?
As in these ladies?

Okay
I can do that

So basically

The sirens are these ladies
Who are all sisters and nobody knows how many there are
There could be two of them
Or there could be as many as five

And by ladies I mean
MAN EATING RAVENOUS MONSTERS
DON’T BELIEVE THEIR SWEET SONG, THEIR POUTY FACES, THEIR BOUNCING BREASTS
THEY WANT THE VOTE!
AND TO DROWN AND EAT YOU
So it would probably be handy to actually know how many crazy water ladies there are

But okay

Anyway the Sirens live on some island somewhere in the sea
Surrounded by rocks

Because their dad put them there I guess?

Their dad is Achelous
Some sort of super river god I think
Clearly he didn’t want them to get laid
Which is where the whole
*dumps daughters on rock in the middle of nowhere away from people* came in

BUT THAT BACK FIRED
BECAUSE WITHOUT PROPER SOCIALISATION
THEY STARTED SINGING
AND ASSUMING IT WAS OKAY TO EAT/DROWN PEOPLE

And also there is some debate about what they look like
Because they could look like mermaids
But most of the classical sources (Homer and some other dudes)
Says they were fully formed sexy ladies
But then some people think they were half bird/half lady
I think Ovid suggests that

BUT THAT IS WRONG

THAT IS A HARPY

Anyway these ladies like singing I guess
Because whenever a can of man-meat
(aka: a ship)
Sailed by the Sirens were like

LA LA LA LA LA
WE WILL GIVE YOU INFINITE KNOWLEDGE
AND ALSO OUR BODIES
COME FOR A SWIM
WE’LL GIVE YOU A GOBBY

And then if people went swimming they received no sex or knowledge
But drowned and/or starved on their ships
Which would be pretty disappointing

Anyway the most famous mentions of the Sirens in Greek mythology
Is in The Odyssey, and the tale of Jason and the Argonauts

In the Odyssey, Odysseus is all like

Let’s go home men! This way!
And then suddenly there’s naked ladies in the water singing at them
A perplexing event in most circumstances

But ODYSSEUS IS WILY
And to prove this, he blocks up his sailors ears with wax
So they can continue rowing
While still getting an eyeful

But Odysseus is like
I MUST HEAR THIS ENCHANTING SONG
TIE ME TO THE MAST
SO I CAN LISTENING WITHOUT DYING

And then this works?
And they sail past the Sirens
And I think Odysseus is a little disappointed
Due to that whole ‘enchanted by the magic fish ladies’ song’

In the tale of Jason and the Argonauts (and the golden fleece)
Jason and his crew are sailing along
BUT SUDDENLY SIRENS

It’s a bit of a recurring theme for sailors
You’d think they’d have figured out
NOT TO SAIL PAST THE NUDIST COLONY
But it is a nudist colony
So I guess they figured death was okay after seeing the identical sisters naked

Anyway, Jason hears the song and is like
SIRENS YES GOOD
But he doesn’t haven’t any wax
So he whips his lyre out of his loin-cloth
And starts busting out some mad beats

And these beats are so mad
That nobody can even hear the Siren’s
DOOP DOOP LA LA LA
Over the power solos of the lyre

So Jason and his men happily continue on towards their goal of theft and trespass

AND THAT IS THE STORY OF THE SIRENS.

All the pictures used were taken from the wonderful Kate Beaton’s Hark! A Vagrant! comics.

Due to my heavy workload (which maybe I should have started earlier but NOPE) I’m not going to be able to start posting The Odyssey until my break in…I think it’s June?

BUT I’M NOT GOING TO LET THIS STOP ME POSTING MYTHS.

(Obviously I’ll try to get them up before then, but just in case I have this.)

If you guys suggest things (like how thebestbutt suggested Oedipus) I will happily retell them for you.

I’m best at Greek/Roman mythology (or stories about Anansi. I fucking love Anansi), but if you give me something google-able I’m sure I can whip something up!

It’s reader’s choice really.

OR: Why Prophecies Ruin Everything

I hope this is what you meant when you requested a re-telling of Oedipus the King.

It may be a bit jumbled, as my rhyming skills are not as advanced as Will Smith’s. Also I’ve never heard this song, but I thought it was appropriate.

____________________________________________________

Now this is a story all about how
My life got flipped-turned upside down
And I’d like to take a minute to hone my technique
And tell you ‘bout the time I was King of a town called Thebes

In Corinth born and raised
In the palace is where I spent most of my days
Chillin’ out, maxin’, relaxing all cool,
And planning out banquets, learning to rule
When a couple of guys who were up to no good
Said I hadn’t been born in this neighbourhood
I went to the oracle, but then I got scared
I was gonna kill my dad and bone my mum, beware!

I was really freaked out, thought about it all day,
But then packed my suitcase and ran right away
I was walking down a road when I spied some punk
Harassing me like I was condemned, so I killed him.

First class yo this is bad
It turns out that he might be my lost dad?
Is this what the people of Thebes living like?
I’ll send for a witness to put this right
But wait I hear news – my foster dad is dead?
Also I am definitely adopted…
My parents left me on the hills, left for death
But I was found, raised by the rulers of Corinth
Why is my wife screaming I’ll find out later
I hope I’m prepared for the shit in the air

Well ah shit got real and the truth is out
I killed my dad, married my mum and now that she has found out
She committed suicide, hung herself as I got there
I sprang with the quickness as her life disappeared
I hugged her as I took the golden pins from her hair
I raked out my eyes, now I’ll never look in the mirror
If anything I can say this spectacle is rare
But I thought to myself it is best to leave Thebes

So I left the palace about 7 or 8 
And I yelled to the children “You’ll never be married you’re the product of incest”
I looked at my kingdom I wish I was dead
My power is ended; only death can bring peace.

Thank you so much! At least after the war Zeus made the other Gods promise to not meddle in the affairs of mortals quite so much? (Although it didn’t really stop him). I actually own two versions of the Iliad, one is part of the “Britannica Great Books’ series, translated by Samuel Butler and put into proper prose, and the other is a Penguin Classic, translated by Martin Hammond into pain text. I generally went from the Penguin, because it was easier to read.

And more promotions!

I had a couple memes that I never used and I thought you might like to see them?

I assume you mean Oedipus Rex (Oedipus the King)? Because there are three (main) plays about him, but that one is the most famous, and the one with the fuckery.

Your wish is my command!

it’s not because I’m too lazy to start the Odyssey

Finally, on the twelfth day after Hector’s death
Which is I think about nine days after his funeral
Apollo tells Zeus that Achilles really should ransom Hector’s body back
Because burials were important in those days
I guess they still are when it comes to not corpsifying the place up

So Zeus gets some underlings
To tell Achilles that he better be fucking ready to hand Hector’s mutilated body over
And one to tell Priam that it’s time to offer a ransom
And that they’d protect him from any enemy arrows
he happened to catch on the way over

By catch
I mean with his body
Just so you get that

Zeus again decides to prank the mortals
But this time the Trojans
Because when Hecuba (Priam’s wife) is worried that he might
You know
CATCH AN ARROW ON HIS WAY INTO THE ENEMY CAMP
Zeus has an eagle fly over her
As a good omen.

So Priam sets out with a chariot full of embossed memorabilia and sandals
And miniature figurines and shields
And I guess some gold and stuff
As ransom for his dead son’s body

Zeus sends Hermes to guide him through the miles of pickets
That make up the Greek camp
When he finally gets to Achilles’ tent
Priam starts crying as he asks Achilles for his son’s body

He asks Achilles to think of his own father and the love between them
I guess to show that Achilles would want his body returned to his father
So he should realize Hector would want the same?

Achilles also starts crying at the thought of his father
And his life
And his homeland
And Patrocles
And the life he has wasted
And the lives he has ended
And the futility of his hate
And he agrees to the ransom

That night Priam sleeps in Achilles’ tent
But Hermes pops in halfway through to remind him that
He’s sleeping with the enemy
Quite literally
And if he doesn’t want to die
Maybe he should leave before morning?

Priam realizes this is a good idea
And he takes Hector’s corpse
Which he now has legal ownership of remember
And takes it back to his home, Troy

When Hector’s wife and family
In fact, all the citizens of Troy
Weep to see their prince returned

For nine days the Trojans prepare Hector’s body for burial
This time it’s actually said that Achilles gave them time to bury him
So they didn’t have to worry about constantly fighting off the Greeks

They light Hector’s funeral pyre on the tenth day.

 _______________________________________________________

And
Uh
This is where The Iliad concludes

If you remember how I began
This is the story
Of the rage of Achilles, son of Peleus
Immortal
Man Killer
God Fighter
Petulant

This is the tale of his anger and
His wrath which nearly destroyed the Greeks
And sent thousands of men down to Hades
His rage which decimated the Trojans
Destroying their finest
And leaving their corpses for the dogs and birds to feast upon

And here
At the conclusion
His rage is spent
He is tired
And he accepts his coming death

With his rage spent, the wrath of Achilles has ended
And so has this tale.